Elbert Osprey stood in front of the large oak door, not wanting to go in. He put his left hand on the grey stone wall next to the door and leaned. How much regret would he feel later when just standing here filled his body with pain? Just a boy, he thought, how can such a burden be placed on just a boy? But the consequences of not opening the door were far heavier. Why had it come to this?
He straightened up, adjusted his robe and opened the door.
Inside was a small but brightly lit room. One could tell immediately that it was one of a young man dipping his toe into adolescence. The artifacts of childhood tucked away in corners, the owner not wanting them to be prominent but not quite ready to be given up completely. The bed in the corner did not seem to have ever been made and not likely to be anytime soon. A small desk covered in books and papers and items for study looked as though a small natural disaster had befallen that area. Seated at the desk was a boy of twelve, light brown hair in need of a cut, face making the transition from the roundness of kid to the angles of man. An intense look covered his face as he stared at his right hand and the faint blue glow that was coming from his fingertips.
“Pardon my interruption, Ambrose,” the old man in the doorway said.
Ambrose lost his concentration and the blue light sparked and disappeared. He turned his head and saw the deep blue robe and long red and grey beard of the source of the voice. His face broke into a grin as he stood and crossed the room.
“Master Osprey!”
The young man threw his arms around the old wizard and hugged him tight, Elbert returned the affection in kind.
“My boy, my boy. Hard at the studies as usual, eh?”
“Doing my best, sir,” Ambrose said as they broke the embrace.
“Of that I have no doubt. No doubt at all,” the old man’s voice trailed off and the joy on his face gave way to the tension that consumed him.
Ambrose’s hazel eyes darted around the visage of his mentor. He had never seen this look before and even if his powers of observation and empathy were that of a less sensitive boy, the change would have been obvious.
Elbert motioned for Ambrose to sit on the bed as he pulled out the desk chair and turned it to face the young man. A long breath was drawn into his lungs as he sat. He began to speak. His tone matching the look on his face.
“My apologies for this intrusion but what I have to say cannot wait and is of the utmost importance. I’m sure there has been talk among the apprentices, there always is, about,” Elbert paused, “about The Threat.”
Red bloomed on Ambrose’s face. Such talk was strongly discouraged by the master wizards and others in the mystic community, which is of course why the young people talked about it. Just like they talked of the world of the mundanes and sometimes used their powers there. The secret world of magic must remain so, they were warned, but children, even magical ones, wanted to push boundaries.
The old man continued. “It is something we cannot ignore anymore. The oracles, the seers and the interpreters of the signs have all agreed, we must act. Now.”
“But why have you come to me?” There was fear in the boy’s voice.
Elbert stood and looked down at his student. “You are the ‘Savotano Elobas.’ The Answer To Doom.”
The color drained from Ambrose’s face. The room started to spin and the light lost its intensity. Had he heard the master right? Most thought it was all legend and myth, tales to tell children and even if it were true, how could it be him? Ambrose put his head in his hands and tried to breath.
A look of sorrow crossed Elbert’s face. He could only hope and pray the enormity of this revelation and the responsibilities that came with it would not break the boy. He hoped and prayed his guidance and tutelage had been enough.
“I don’t understand this at all. How could I be The Answer? I’m nobody special. I’m just a kid.” The boy’s voice cracked.
Elbert put his hand on the shaggy head of someone who now had to grow-up far too soon.
“Stand up, my boy.”
Ambrose got to his feet and looked at the face of his master. His hazel eyes were ringed red and tears were on the verge of spilling out. The old man’s wrinkles seemed to deepen, his beard seeming to have more grey.
“All of what we have been teaching you, all we have been trying to prepare you for, now is the time to understand why. Now I must ask of you what I wish to the heavens I would never have to do. But you must. You must see the foe we face.”
Ambrose took a startled step back, his legs hitting his bed. There was no hiding the fear on his face. The wizard put his hand on the boy’s shoulder in an attempt to reassure him. It didn’t help. In his other hand a long wooden staff appeared, topped with a red orb. With it Elbert drew a glyph in the air in front of them. The glowing white symbol hung in the air then began to fade along with the rest of the room.
“He lives among the regular men and women of the world,” Elbert began. “With this spell we will be able to see and hear all around but normal men and women cannot do the same with us. We will only observe long enough for you to understand. Look there. His form begins to appear.”
Before them a dark shape began to emerge. A shade becoming clearer with every second. Gooseflesh rose on Ambrose and a bead of sweat had started on his forehead. His mind raced with the possibilities of what this horror that threatened their very existence might be. A panic began to rise.
“Behold! His name is… FRANK!”
The world around them became clear and the terrifying shape was, just some guy?
“Wait. What?” the boy said.
“By the gods, I can barely stand to look at him.” Elbert shuddered.
Before them stood a man of above average height and average looks. Brown hair and eyes, red t-shirt, blue jeans, work boots and a denim apron, unfamiliar garb to Ambrose, but nothing that strange. No horns. No tail. No fire coming from his eyes. The only thing notable about him was the thickness of his neck and forearms. The things around him were completely foreign to Ambrose, but other than that, no big deal. He was confused.
“This guy is,” Ambrose made air quotes with his fingers, “‘The Threat’? “
“Well, yeah. Can you not feel the malevolence emanating from every fiber of his being? Creepy, man.”
The young man shook his head. “If you say so.”
He looked around at the building they had appeared in. Ambrose had only been in structures made from stone and wood his whole life. This was completely different but very impressive to him. Steel beams and walls of some kind of metal. All around him, machines moved on their own, making a tremendous racket. On one end, men held what he could only describe as magic wands that seem to harness the heat and light of a volcano and concentrate it to fuse steel together. The normal world seemed to have as much magic as his.
“What is this place?” he asked his mentor.
“They call it a ‘metal shop’ or something like that. Technology is what you see around you. Leaves a foul taste in my mouth.”
“Not any worse than the smelly crap we are always using,” Ambrose said quietly to himself. He watched as their mortal enemy pushed a button on panel in front of him and the machine beside him began to stir. A large sheet of metal began moving over an even larger table. The sheet slid between the jaws of a mechanical beast that chomped holes in the steel with loud thumps and snaps. Ambrose was intrigued. This stuff looked neat.
A short fat man in similar dress as Frank walked by, oblivious to the presence of the wizard and his pupil. He held a piece of paper that he showed to Frank. The two seemed to be discussing it but their voices could not be made out over the noise of the shop. The fat man seemed to get the information he needed and patted Frank on the shoulder. Frank said something else and both men smiled and laughed. Yep, that was some oozing malevolence all right, the boy thought. What the hell was going on here?
“Master, I don’t understand. Why is this man so dangerous to us? He just seems like a guy to me. I’m not getting any sort of evil vibe at all.”
“First, it’s been prophesized,” Elbert said, “and, well, you know, prophecy.”
“Kind of a circular argument, isn’t it?”
Master Osprey gave the young man a curious look. “What year are you again? Third? I thought Logic class wasn’t until fifth year. Huh.” He looked back to Frank. “Well, anyway, the other thing is, The Threat seems to be immune to magic. Totally immune. Tell me that doesn’t freak you out.”
Before Ambrose could respond another employee walked by and tripped on Elbert’s robe. The man stumbled a bit before regaining his footing. He turned his head, looking at the shop floor in a vain attempt to see what had caused his near fall. His shoulders shrugged as he looked at Frank and said loud enough for the unseen duo to hear, “Have that removed.” Frank smiled and chuckled as the man went on his way.
“And what exactly am I supposed to do in this? I mean, let’s say he is dangerous and stuff, but if magic doesn’t do anything to him…?”
“Ok, so that isn’t exactly spelled out in the signs, but, prophecy.”
Ambrose was unsatisfied with the answer, but what was he to do? Elbert Osprey was the greatest wizard in the last five or six hundred years, he had to know what he was talking about, right?
Frank was looking at a work order in his hand when he stepped toward the teacher and student. Both tensed up and prepared to get out of his way when Frank stopped and started to speak, trying to move his lips as little as possible.
“Could you guys please get out of here before somebody has an accident?” His voice was just loud enough to hear.
Elbert and Ambrose looked at each other, startled. Both looks said the same thing. Is he talking to us?
“Seriously, fellas. We don’t need somebody crackin’ his head open and OSHA crawlin’ up our asses. Okay?”
Elbert managed to squeak out “Uhhhhh.”
“Yeah, I can see you hocus pocus morons. Christ, if you needed to talk to me, you could have just called. Look, lunch break is in about ten, so I can talk then. Just go outside, huh? Now move your butts. Please.”
Ambrose looked around the shop and saw an illuminated exit sign above a door. He nudged Elbert with his elbow and pointed. Both made their way outside. Once in the parking lot the young man could hear the wizard mumble, “Hocus pocus morons?”
They stood on the asphalt of the lot. Neither spoke, they just shuffled their feet and looked around at nothing in particular.
“At least it is a nice day,” Elbert said.
“Mmmmm,” Ambrose responded, looking at his feet then kicking a rock.
When the buzzer for lunch break went off, both jumped a little, Elbert’s face turning a bit red. A minute later Frank came out the door with a few other men. He caught the eyes of his visitors and pointed to his pickup, making sure his co-workers behind him could not see the motion. The trio made their way to the truck.
Frank jumped in the driver’s seat and Elbert made his way to the passenger side.
“No, no,” Irritation came from Frank’s mouth. “Just come around to my window. Hopefully nobody will see me talking to myself like an idiot, but if they saw that door open by itself they will really wonder what the hell is going on. So, what’s up?”
Elbert looked around, not really sure what to say. “Umm, well, I just needed to show the Savotano Elobas here The Threat.”
“Oh, for fucks sake, not that shit again. How many times do I gotta tell you magical dickweed types? I. Don’t. Give. A. Crap. About. You. Jesus, you are like that guy at the bar that just won’t let it go, and I have to put up with it, ‘cause I have no interest in going back for another thirty at County. Sheesh.”
He turned his attention to Ambrose. “What’s your name, kid?”
“Ambrose,” he tried no to stammer. “Ambrose Bedlow, sir.”
“Savotano Elobas, huh?”
Ambrose stuck his hands in his pockets and looked around.
“Gee, I don’t know.” His cheeks turned red.
“You look like a good kid. Lemme give ya some free advice. Don’t listen to these sticks. You wanna be a wizard or whatever? Do it, more power to you. But this prophecy nonsense is just that. Got me?” Frank gave the kid a sincere grin.
Ambrose grinned back. Osprey looked at him like he just let one rip.
“Listen, Elbert, you’re Elbert Osprey, right?” Elbert nodded at Frank’s question. “Go home and do whatever it is you guys do, just don’t involve me, okay? Now piss off.”
Elbert looked offended. “Well, you don’t have to be a jerk about it.”
“Pretty sure I do.” He looked back at Ambrose. “Take ‘er easy, kid.”
Ambrose tried to stop himself from grinning again, but couldn’t.
“I’m gonna get me some tacos.”
Frank started his pickup, threw it in drive and headed toward his midday meal.
#
The return to the castle complex led to a flurry of action. Councils were called. Dire warnings echoed through the stone hallways. Fearful wizards and students alike scurried about like humming birds with their asses on fire. Something must be done, by the gods! Something!
Ambrose understood none of it. Frank seemed like an okay guy to him. A little brash, maybe, but that was a refreshing change from the stuffy speech he heard from most of the adults around here. None of that mattered. There was a prophecy that he apparently was a part of and that was that. He just wished he knew what his “answer to doom” was supposed to be. Or even what the doom was.
After many days of arguing and strategizing it was decided. They had to take the fight to The Threat (what fight? Ambrose wondered) and end this before it was too late. A time and place was decide on and Ambrose was subjected to intense rounds of training and study. The Savotano Elobas had to be as prepared as best he could in this troubled time. Finally, after months of preparation, the day had come. The war would begin.
#
Frank sat in his living room on a mild fall afternoon, still feeling the effects of the many beers from the previous night. He wanted to be irritated with himself for not getting his ass off the couch and getting something done, but he couldn’t work up the energy for even the emotional effort. His house sat on the edge of town on a hobby farm owned by his landlord. Frank didn’t mind the noise the small herd of goats made as much as the smell, but the rent was cheap. And Danny would knock a few bucks off when Frank would help him out with some chores now and again. Rent would be full price this month.
His girlfriend Angela came bounding from the bedroom, dirty blonde hair pulled back in a ponytail with a scrunchi, wearing her nurse scrubs. Her shift started in a half hour.
Frank look up at her, his eyes half open.
“You know I love you, but the fact you don’t get hung-over is annoying as hell, ya know?”
She leaned down, her bright blue eyes staring into his bloodshot brown. She kissed him on the lips and then gave him a light slap on the cheek.
“I keep telling you, drink some water between those fancy skank beers you like so much.” She smiled and resumed her bounding toward the front door. “See you tonight,” she said, not look back as she went outside. “Love ya!”
Frank watched her butt as she left. Midnight wouldn’t come soon enough.
He put his feet up on the couch and put his head on the arm rest. Scrolling through the DVR he watched Colbert mock some current events and dozed off. His awakening was a rude one. It was the flash that probably woke him, but the crack of unnatural thunder sat him up right.
“Oh, son of a bitch,” he said to himself.
Running outside in his bare feet he saw a semi-circle of well over a dozen men and women in various colored robes. Skull caps, long pointed hats, flowing hair and beards and sleeves with arcane symbols embroidered in the cloth. Some held wands, some staffs and some were gesticulating like they were having a fit of some sort. Or maybe in a jazz dance troop. In the center of the arc stood the master wizard, Elbert Osprey. Beside him The Answer to Doom, Ambrose Bedlow. Ambrose waved at Frank before he realized he was doing it.
Frank put his hands on his hips and looked up at the sky. Just what his hangover needed, he thought.
“Just what in the blue hell are you guys doing here?” Frank hollered.
No answer came his way. Energy crackled in the air. The goats had come to the fence. This looked interesting to them.
Elbert raised his arm and brought it down forcefully to strike the end of his staff on the ground. A wave travel along the gravel driveway toward Frank. It went past him and hit his pick up behind him. Frank felt nothing. All four tires on his truck exploded at once.
Frank look back at the crippled vehicle and threw up his hands.
“Damn it! Who’s gonna pay for that, huh?”
His query was ignored as the all-out assault began.
Eruptions of mystical energy came from the assembled witches and wizards, all focused on Frank. Thick clouds of dirt and dust rose from the driveway, obscuring the form of the barefoot man in the flannel shirt and boxer shorts. Osprey called out orders to the various men and women like a battlefield general. Waves of wands, thrusting of staffs and magical hand gestures poured on the assault. Ambrose stood with his hands at his side, feeling like an idiot. One by one the supernatural energies began to stop, the sources spent and exhausted.
No sound came from their target, still hidden by the detritus throw up during the onslaught. One of the goats bleated a goat equivalent of “Holy Shit, Man!” Two of them had passed out.
A breeze began to pick up and the cloud of dirt began drifting away from the crater. In the center stood Frank, arms crossed across his chest. He wasn’t happy. Ambrose heard a voice somewhere along the arc say, “Uh oh.”
Frank marched toward the closest wizard with steps that drove hard into the ground. The look on his face made Jove Demeter, the warlock who had stopped the ogre advance at the Battle for the Emerald Crystal, wet himself. Frank punched him in the nose. Chaos had now arrived.
Demeter’s ass hit the ground, followed closely by his head. He would come to quickly but decide to play dead, just to be on the safe side. Next to him a half-elf mystic who called himself The Watcher (his real name was Doop) turned and ran as fast as he could, totally forgetting he had the power of flight. At the other end of the line, Mabelle Augustus Floradee shot a spell at The Now Pissed-Off Beyond Belief Threat so hard it pushed her boney body a good three feet behind where she started. The swarming yellow lights of the curse bounced off Frank’s chest and hit the even skinnier Domernar Domerdon square in the face. He screamed “Bees!” and took off down the driveway like a yellow and black striped comet.
“I’m out,” Mabelle shouted and teleported away.
Elbert tried to rally the troops, but that was not going to happen. On his left, just on the other side of Ambrose, Xandar the Unknown stamped his feet up and down and waved his hands in front of him in hysterics. His fat belly bouncing up and down in time with his stomping. To Elbert’s right, Heritance Foxglove turned to the leader of group.
“He wouldn’t hit a girl, would he? I mean, Mabelle, sure, but I’m totally hot.”
Elbert glared but did think she was pretty hot. But that wasn’t important right now. They were getting their asses kicked. Literally. Ambrose saw Frank give a foot to the butt of the fleeing Mad Monk of Mundari. That had to hurt, he thought. Elbert had had enough. It was time to call down the nuke of the magic world.
With both hands he held his staff above his head and began to spin it. Slowly at first but picking up speed the longer the staff was aloft. As it spun a fissure began tearing open the air just above them. The sky screamed at this terrible rending of its existence. And then it appeared. The remaining magic wielders drew in a collective gasp. Here be dragons. One dragon, anyway.
The enormous reptilian creature sent forth a fearful roar. The ground shook and the goats freaked out. How could anything stand before its horrible majesty and live? Elbert knew in his heart that Frank was true blue screwed. The massive head of the beast looked down at Frank and sent forth fire. Frank smacked it in the nose and yelled “No!”
The great wyvern, wait, Frank thought to himself, are dragons and wyvern the same thing? I’ll google that shit later, he decided. Anyway, whatever it exactly was, it snapped its head back in amazement at its treatment. Frank stood, fists on his hips staring down the creature. He smacked it on the nose again. The dragon lowered its head and gave out a quiet whine.
“No, no, no,” Frank said, wagging his finger at the beast. “Now you go on and git.”
Frank pointed to an open field.
“Go on, now.”
The dragon tucked its tail between its legs and started to walk off, head still hung low. As it passed the now totally fainted herd of goats, it reached its head over the fence and opened its mouth over one of the stiff-legged bodies. It looked back at Frank.
Frank tilted his head to the side.
“Noooo.”
Large eyes blinked at Frank, hoping for at least a maybe in his stern expression. The beast realized none was coming, so he scurried off, disappearing back into a tear in the fabric of the farm.
Frank looked down at the charred remains of his shirt.
“Crap, I liked that shirt. Alright, which one of you dipshits is next?”
Panic once again reigned. Frank’s opponents backed up, casting any spell they could think at the near-naked man. Oriban Chelongda caught his robe on top of the fence as he tried to climb over it. One of the goats had recovered and had enough of this nonsense and butted Oriban in the gut with surprising force for such a little thing. The bald headed wizard let out an oomph and doubled over, not quite reaching the ground, his robes still stuck on the barbed wire.
Ambrose didn’t know what to do. The men and women he had come to idolize over his short life were useless at this point. Frank might start to do some real damage soon, but he didn’t start it, did he? Ambrose made a decision. This needed to end before someone got seriously hurt. He threw a rock.
“Jesus Christ, that smarts,” Frank yelled as he brought his hand up to his now bleeding nose. “Shit.”
Everything stopped. The remaining witches and warlocks stood as still as possible, the reptile part if their brains hoping that if they didn’t move, they couldn’t be seen. Frank turned to Ambrose and began walking towards him.
Ambrose looked left and right. Well, no help there, he thought. As Frank drew closer, the young man closed his eyes tight and his body tensed up. This was gonna hurt.
Long seconds went by and the anticipated blow never came. Ambrose opened one eye, then the other and saw Frank, hand extended and a smile on his bleeding face.
“I like your style, Ambrose.”
There was nothing else the boy could do. He shook Frank’s hand.
“And as for your dumbass,” Frank said as he turned to a wide eyed Elbert.
Frank ripped the staff from the wizards hand and broke it across his knee.
“Dragons,” Frank jabbed his finger in Elbert’s chest, “are magic creatures. What have we learned today?”
Elbert was momentarily dumbstruck. He blinked several times and finally replied.
“Uh, magic things don’t affect you?”
Frank palmed the wizard in the forehead.
“Ding Ding Ding! You could have torched the whole town, ya jackoff.”
Frank turned to look back at his house and now burned out husk of a truck. “Aw fer cryin’ out loud. Whelp, my Sunday afternoon is now shot to hell.”
His attention went back to Elbert and Ambrose.
“Alright, show’s over I guess. You idiots can go now, huh?”
“But you are still The Threat,” Elbert sputtered out.
“And,” Frank replied, pointing to Ambrose, “Your Savotano Elobas answered me, didn’t he?”
Frank winked at Ambrose. The kid smiled.
Elbert straightened his robe and turned to his young student, putting his hand on the boy’s shoulder.
“Well, yes, yes he did, didn’t he? See my boy, I told you. Prophecy.”
Elbert smiled at Frank. Ambrose rolled his eyes. Frank let out a chuckle.
Frank walked around the yard and helped up anybody that was having difficulty getting up on their own. Elbert and Ambrose tried to unhook Oriban’s robe without doing any more damage. They were mildly successful. Heritance Foxglove walked up to Frank and wrote something on his palm, a spell, she said, to get in touch with her in case he ever wanted to, you know, talk or whatever. As soon as she evaporated away, he wiped his palm off on his shorts. Not his type. Magic weirdoes.
Once everyone was dusted off and all the goats were back on their feet and a few “Say, no hard feelings, right?” were said the practitioners of the supernatural made their various ways off the property. Frank again shook Ambrose’s hand.
Ambrose looked up at Frank and said, “I can help clean up, if you want. I have classes all next week, but I can come by on Saturday or something.”
“Naw, that’s okay kid. Hell, you didn’t cause any of this.” Frank glared at Elbert. Elbert pretended he saw something interesting on the ground.
A look of disappointment crossed the young man’s face. “Oh, okay then.”
Frank smiled at his most recent nose breaker.
“Hell, Ambrose. You got an open invitation here as far as I’m concerned. You ever had barbeque?”
Ambrose smiled and shook his head. He hoped barbeque was some kind of food.
The master and the student started to walk away, Ambrose turning and giving one final wave. The two shimmered like a heat mirage and were gone.
Frank turned back to the house and rubbed the back of his head. “Guess I better put on some pants.”
He went back inside, slamming the door. One of the goats fainted.
#
A little past midnight, Angela came in the door to a sleeping Frank in the middle of the floor. Soft snores coming from his nose. Angela straddled his belly and gave him a kiss on the forehead. Frank’s eyes opened. He smiled, putting his hands on his girlfriend’s hips.
“How was your day?” Frank asked.
“Not as interesting as yours, apparently. What gives?”
“Oh some magic types showed up today.” Frank stretched and yawned.
“Uhgh. What the hell did they want? Some prophecy bullshit again, I suppose.” She kissed the tip of his nose.
“Yep yep. Same ol’, same ol’. Dodge is totaled and some siding on the house will need replaced.”
“Insurance cover it?” She kissed his neck.
“Oh yeah. Made sure to get those clauses put in at my last place. Premiums suck, but whaddayagonado?”
“Hopefully those fucktards will leave you alone for a while.” She kissed his chest.
“Yeah, I think so. Met a pretty good kid though. He might come over next weekend. Thought we’d grill out while the weather is still holding.”
“Okay. Need a ride to work, then?” She kissed his neck again.
“Thinking about calling in sick.”
Angela kissed his lips again.
“Good thing I’m a nurse, huh?”
Outside a goat let out a bleat.
Leave a Reply